Why?

I have so many things that I would like to ask God "why?" about. So many. There are things in life - both in my personal life and the lives of others that I can see a purpose for. Understanding that purpose helps me to justify certain things. Everything from "Why are there ants?" (Because I have yet to see a genuine purpose for them... other than teaching us patience) to "Why is there poverty in America?" (Because even with everyone's musings, there's no rational reason kids should be hungry or that HMO healthcare should be so shitty). There are so many things that I don't understand - I guess if I could see the bigger picture, like I feel God must see, it would be much easier to keep my head on straight.

Sometimes, I can look back on my life and see how certain things led to others that led to others that led to others that carried me to where I am now. Then it makes sense. I know there are things right now that I don't understand and will look back on my life and see why certain things happened or why I am at this very moment in my current position in life - job, friends, family, circumstances, location, etc. Right now I can't see that, though... and it's somewhat difficult to persevere amidst frustrations.

I just wonder how much of our lives are determined by what we choose to subject ourselves to/how we choose to live our lives, and what are merely circumstances. Are we really as in control as we think we are in the States? Or just the people with good circumstances?

We lived such charmed lives... I can't get over it. This weekend was so filled with incredibly fun things... I don't remember when I had so much fun in such a short time. :) Friday night I went swing dancing and had an AMAZING time... sweaty and all... :) but had good friends, good talks, good dancing and it was just fantastic. Saturday I slept in, did some errands, bought "The Working Poor: Invisible in America" by David Shipler (confirming my hatred for Wal-mart), watched a movie, and hung out with a really good friend. Sunday I slept in... again... did laundry... showing me I have way too many things to wash... read more of my book, relaxed on the couch in my air-conditioned apartment, played cards with my roomates and my pseudo-roomate (pablito) and had good, philosophical, affirming talks... Today I went to Disneyland and CA adventure all morning/afternoon... came home and slept... went to the Walkers to play Nertz and have a good time... and tommorrow I will ride my bike to my work where I get enough money to pay my bills and have fun... because I was given the gift of an education... because my parents were willing to help me through college... because they loved me and wanted what was best for me and never intentionally hurt me... I did well in school because I had strong friendships, great professors/teachers, encouraging choral experience... My life has been so charmed... so different than the majority of the world. I am so spoiled...

Though I have made some choices... I feel like my life is the result of so many other things outside of my control. I was not abused as a child - physically, sexually or emotionally. I was never hungry as a child. I was often told how loved I was by dozens of loving friends/family around me - and still am. I played sports whenever I could - none of my limbs were deformed or missing. I have known colors all my life - my eyes (aside from being somewhat nearsighted) are just fine. I am often healthy and rarely sick. Even when I get sick, there are loving people to take care of me. My family (aside from my darling grandfather and those I never really knew) is entirely living. I never worried about them being knifed or shot at. I never worried about our house being bombed. I never worried about being raped by a father who had AIDS. I honestly never worried about anything worth worrying about...

By the time I graduated college, I had traveled to 5 countries outside of the U.S. and 9 states within the U.S. I have white-water rafted, zip-lined through the rainforest, swum in the Caribbean Sea, kayaked, night-snorkeled, day-snorkeled, competed in choir festivals, hiked in the Grand Canyon, toured our nation's capital twice, built 6 different houses in Mexico with my church, learned another language, taught ESL classes, gone to theme parks since I was little... honestly.

I could sit here for longer typing, but generally, I am simply mystified at the wealthy, luxurious, easy life I have lived. Somewhat ashamed... I feel such a heavy burden to do more with my life. My miniscule problems and frustrations are nothing compared to those that people face everyday. We live in such a materialistic world, and I can't seem to get away from it. I am a sucker in it...

So, really... when it comes down to it, although I have so many "whys?" to ask God, I have no right to question. No right to be upset about my life and my petty problems. My only purpose at this point should be to love and serve - my life has been ridiculously full of too much good for me to ever complain about the bad. Not to ignore the hurt, but rather to put everything in perspective. To see the world we live in and treasure the special moments there are - to count every blessing and realize that every trial is overshadowed in my life by blessing.

Thank you, God. I have never understood why my life is so charmed. But I pray I am only a vessel to spread that charm to each person I contact. I pray that my life makes an impression on each soul and that their life is touched by your love.